These folks almost won awards

It has been a while since I checked in on the Darwin Awards Web site. So, I figured this would be a good week to do so. After all, I have been a bit serious in my writing lately. I think it’s time to be on the lighthearted side . . . for a short time, anyway.

But instead of informing you of the most recent Darwin Award nominees, I have decided to tell you about a few of the near-misses for the honor. Remember, the Darwin Awards are reserved for people who voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool. I suspect some of them are not quite truthful – maybe all of them. They are quite funny though.

Here goes . . .

Loch Ness Monster

On Lake Isabella, in the high desert east of Bakersfield, Calif., a woman was having trouble with her boat. 

No matter how she tried, she just couldn’t get her new 22-foot Bayliner to perform. It was sluggish in every maneuver, regardless of the power applied. She tried for an hour to make her boat go, but finally gave up and putted over to a nearby marina for help. 

A topside check revealed that everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outboard motor pivoted up and down and the prop was the correct size and pitch. 

One of the marina guys jumped in the water to check beneath the boat. He came up almost choking on water, he was laughing so hard. 

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. 

Note: I swear none of the women in my home have ever visited Lake Isabella.

Bodacious Bud

An Indiana man had the good fortune to raise a healthy marijuana plant in his back yard. But then tragedy struck. He received a phone call from the authorities saying he was busted, but they would not press charges if he brought the bush into the station. Roots and all. So he sadly hacked his eight-foot annual down and carried it into the lobby of the sheriff’s office, where startled officers took him into custody for suspected felony cultivation. Turns out the phone call was a prank.

Note: This is one that should have been mentioned on the “John Boy and Billy” radio show, but I’m sure the Russell County Sheriff’s Office has similar stories to tell. I seem to remember one about a meth lab bust where the not-so-smart criminal felt the local officers should have posted the proper recipe for the illegal drug on the office’s Web site. 

Official Drug Test

A woman in Canada called the police with a complaint that she had been burnt in a drug deal. She claimed that a man had sold her a rock of crack cocaine, but, when she brought it home, it “looked like baking powder.” The police dispatched a narcotics agent to her house, who tested the rock and verified that, despite its appearance, it was indeed cocaine. The woman was promptly arrested for drug possession. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are encouraging anyone who thinks they may have been fooled into buying fake drugs to come forward.

Note: See the note after “Bodacious Bud.”

Blondes and Oil Changes

Amy Brasher, 45 years old, was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn’t realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Note: Everything in Texas is bigger – even airheads.

Sobriety Test

 In a poorly judged attempt to convince his wife he was sober enough to drive, a 29-year-old husband pulled up to a State Police barracks in his pickup truck, parked illegally and demanded a sobriety check. He failed the Breathalyzer test and was taken into custody. “Basically,” an amused Sergeant Paul Slevinski explained, “his wife won the argument.”

Note: This proves you should never argue with your wife. Just admit you are wrong and let her drive.

Well, I hope you enjoyed those stories. They are humorous, if they are not true. If they are true, all of these people are just a step away from earning a Darwin Award.

We should sing the praises of our school leaders

Often we overlook what is good about our community. We should not, but we do. It is just our nature. It should not be, but it is.We should be grateful for the fine job our Phenix City Board of Education has done in recent years in seeing that our children are educated to a level that exceeds expectations. Our board of education members, administrators and teachers are recognized among the best of the best. But, we allow their work to be overlooked.Well, others are not allowing that to happen. They are singing the praises of our local educators and the accomplishments of our students.In the recently released 2009 edition of Diplomas Count, in a research article titled "Broader Horizons: The Challenge of College Readiness for All Students," Phenix City ranks as the 14th best school system in the country for the year 2006 - the last year for which information was available. For a 10-year period from 1996-2006, Phenix City's school system ranked even higher - third in the entire country.The survey was released recently on the Education Week Web site at www.edweek.org and was conducted by the Editorial Projects in Education Research Center. The survey ranked school systems from all 50 states and the District of Columbia. Most systems, according to the research, are meeting "expected" levels when you consider the size of the district, the community's poverty rates, concentrations of minority students and per-pupil spending levels for the district. We did not meet the "expected" levels. We exceeded those levels. In fact, about 2,200 systems throughout the nation exceeded the expected levels by 10 percent or more.Phenix City's leadership, the driving force behind the system's success, pushed our children to exceed the expected levels by 13 percent for 2006. For the 10-year period of the survey, Phenix City's students exceeded expected levels by 28 percent. The only other school system in Alabama mentioned in the 10-year survey was Opelika's which ranked ninth - 13 percentage points behind Phenix City.How is that possible? How could this have taken place in little biddy ole Phenix City? The answer is simple - great leadership by our board of education, administrators and teachers. Also give credit to those who have benefited the most by the work of those individuals - our students.Give credit to all these groups that have achieved this level of distinction while overcoming many obstacles - some good and some bad. The system is the city's fastest growing industry - adding an average of 200 new students each year while systems around it are losing students. Maybe the reason for that is people are recognizing the success of our system and choosing to come here with their children to attend our schools. Expect the numbers to continue to grow as our system prepares for an influx of families relocating to the area under the military's Base Realignment and Closure program. Remember first that our numbers have grown by 200 students per year over the past five years and BRAC was not a part of the reason for that growth. Phenix City is the fourth-fastest growing school system in Alabama. Our education system and its leaders - those in the board room, in administrative positions and in the classroom - will be a big selling point for folks to relocate here when BRAC does begin to affect growth in our area. Our schools have the best facilities, education programs and technology. Our community will see the opening of our new Freshman Academy this fall, a facility that will be home to about 500 students. We have elementary schools that have recently been renovated or that have seen new additions constructed. There are plans for more construction to accommodate the students we currently serve - not the students we may receive in the future. While other systems are stagnant, we have a school system that is thriving.So, should we as a community jump on the bandwagon and sing the praises of our school system? Yes we should. We as a community should stand up and tell anyone who would work against what our school system has achieved to back off. Tell our local city leaders to stand with our school leaders to see this progress continues and to never allow petty politics to get in the way of what is best for our children. From what our school leaders have achieved, it is clear that they are not allowing their differences to stand in the way. The example they have set is well worth emulating.

They had me at first chew

You can use hypnosis. You can use chewing gum. You can use the "patch." Use anything you think will help you kick the habit. I doubt any of them will work, but try anyway.My dependency on tobacco began a long time ago. I was about 11 years old, maybe 12, when I chewed tobacco for the first time. I got sick, very, very sick.Now, I cannot blame the tobacco completely for the ill effects I suffered. You see, I combined the tobacco usage with a trip to a traveling carnival that set up near Phenix Plaza. That was in 1968 or 1969 when Phenix Plaza was a hot spot for shopping in Phenix City. Traveling carnivals were regular events back then.I remember I walked from the Phenix City Boys Club to the Phenix Plaza to enjoy the carnival's pleasures. Along the way, I stopped at an old store near what was once the Hitchin' Post. I walked right in and lied to the owner. I told the man my father wanted me to get him some "Conwood." He looked at me a moment and then handed the chewing tobacco over.Why did I pick Conwood? Well, it was cool. The Conwood Man was the big thing in the television commercials. Yes, they used to show tobacco commercials on television - both for chewing tobacco and cigarettes. I think it cost me 50 cents for that pack of coolness. In the end, it was a small price to pay for the lesson I learned. After purchasing the Conwood, I headed to the carnival. I had a friend with me, so I shared my ill-gotten tobacco. I think he was 10 years old. We chewed. We rode the rides. We got sick . . . very sick. We gave up tobacco on the spot. Well, I thought I had given up tobacco, but later in life I would learn otherwise. Let me just say my tobacco dependency went into remission - or is that hibernation. Well, whatever.Years would pass before I chewed again. Keep that thought for a minute.When I was about 14 years old, I tried tobacco in a different form - cigarettes. A friend of mine - I will not name names, but it was not long before I was trying to keep up with the Joneses - would sneak cigarettes from his father and we would head to the woods to puff it up. Smoking is a bad habit that is very hard to break. When cigarettes were not available, we turned to other leafy treasures provided by Mother Nature. Yep, we rolled rabbit tobacco in brown paper and tried to puff on that. I do not know if the rabbit tobacco was of poor quality or whether rolling it in brown paper was a bad idea. Either way, it nearly choked us to death. My dependency on this form of tobacco use ended quickly. Well, once again, let me say it stopped for a while.I think I started smoking cigarettes - legally - at 21 years old. I smoked Salem cigarettes. Later, I smoke Salem Lights. And finally, I smoked Salem Ultra Lights. I smoked until I was in my early 30s. Why did I give them up then? I got sick and had a hard time breathing. Dr. Howard Weldon sent me for an x-ray and it showed a spot on my left lung. Dr. Weldon said it could be hardened congestion or it could be cancer. He said I needed to have another x-ray in a couple of weeks. I went into "worry" mode, but I did not quit smoking. I remember when that happened.After the second x-ray, I was driving back to work when Dr. Weldon called to tell me the results. It was not cancer, but Dr. Weldon said it could have been. I tossed a nearly new pack of cigarettes out of my car window. I have never picked up a cigarette since that day.I will never smoke another cigarette as long as I live and as long as I admit I am hooked on them. What does that mean? Well, as long as I understand I am hooked on cigarettes I can avoid smoking. As long as I do not allow myself to believe I have kicked the habit, I can refrain from smoking. I know as soon as I start bragging about how I beat the habit, cigarettes will attack me and prove me wrong. I readily admit that, if I had a carton of cigarettes right now, I would rip the ends off both sides and smoke the whole carton at once just like a harmonica. Because I know that, I can keep the bear off my back.But, I have continued to chew tobacco. I started doing that again about a year after I quit smoking cigarettes. I chew Levi Garrett - about a pack a week. Which proves just how addictive tobacco is. You see, it was Conwood that got me addicted. It is Conwood that still holds me in its grip. How is that possible?Remember I told you my first experience with tobacco was the illegal purchase of a pack of Conwood when I was about 11 years old. The Conwood brand is no longer available for purchase. So, how can I blame that company? Well, guess who manufactures Levi Garrett - Taylor Brothers, which is a division of the Conwood Company, LLC. They had me at first chew.

Go ahead and try this on your boss

So, the Phenix City Council has voted to give itself a raise – a substantial one at that. Everyone knew it was coming from the time it was introduced by resolution of the council and presented to state legislators. Of course, some will argue it was the other way around.

But, the bill was drafted by the legislators, published in the newspaper, approved by both the Alabama House of Representatives and Senate and signed into law by Gov. Bob Riley – it was a done deal. The next group of council members will receive pay equal to the Russell County Commission and the Phenix City Mayor will receive $35,000 per year.

While I do agree an increase of salary for the council positions and mayor were overdue, I think it went just a little too far, in my opinion. The increase should have been tied to the Consumer Price Index and raised accordingly in proportion to the increase in CPI since the last increase for the Phenix City Council, which was in 2000. There is nothing wrong with that at all, in my opinion.

Where I do have a problem is with the council voting to give itself a “patch” until the next election so that it may enjoy the fruits of the recently approved legislation now. That patch was in the bill. The council members voted last Friday to approve the patch for themselves. They tabled a vote on whether the mayor would receive a patch until the raises go into effect at the next election.

The “patch” is in the form of an undocumented “expense account.” Now isn’t that special? The members of the council will receive pay equal to the county commissioners – over $1,000 per month more than they were making for the positions – without being required to provide documentation that the expenses are valid expenses.

If you have a job, try telling your boss you want the same deal. I think the conversation would go a little like this . . .

You: “Where’s my check for my expenses for $1,800?”

Boss: “Where’s your documentation?”

You: “You promised me a raise after I served you four years. I want it now. I don’t have to provide documentation.”

Boss: “You haven’t served me four years. That promise is for the future, not now. Until then, I will pay you an expense account, but you must provide documentation that those expenses are valid.”

You: “Why? When I took the job, you said I would get the raise. I just want it now. What’s wrong with that?”

Boss: “I also told you that I would give you the raise if you were still here. I don’t know if you will be here in four years. We agreed on a salary when you were hired. You knew what the salary was and you agreed to the terms of our contract. I have investors to protect and I must spend their money wisely. You are being paid exactly what they have said I am allowed to pay you.”

You: “That’s not fair. President Obama said he wanted to see the wealth spread around. I just want mine now. You have to give it to me. You are just the boss. You do not have a say in this matter.”

Boss: “I think I do. You see, it is my job to decide if you have been a good employee and if you deserve the raise – in four years. If you are not willing to abide by the agreement we had, leave now. There are plenty of people waiting to take your place.”

End of conversation – the boss wins.

Now, think about that conversation a little more. Change “You” to “City Council” and “Boss” to “Taxpayers.” Do you understand the situation a little better?

The council members, and mayor, ran for office with the full knowledge of what the positions paid. They, the council members and mayor, have broken their agreements with you – the taxpayers.

In a time when many people are facing loss of jobs, cannot afford health insurance and are barely making ends meet, the people governing the city have decided they deserve more right now. They are not willing to wait until the next election to reap the fruits of the increase in salary. They want – now have – an undocumented expense account as a “patch” until the next election. 

Everyone will have to wait until that next election to see if the “boss” is going to remember the decision the council made was an acceptable one.