Old way or new, it's just bingo

It will never happen here – at least not for a while. It is still a sore subject. But, just what is wrong with electronic bingo?

The subject has caused quite a stir around the state recently with Governor Bob Riley appointing a task force on “illegal gambling.” This group recently made a raid on the White Hall bingo hall – carrying away over $500,000 in cash and about 100 machines. Why? Isn’t bingo legal in Lowndes County? Didn’t we vote on a constitutional amendment not too long ago to make it legal in White Hall?

Gov. Riley said, “yes” that we voted and “no” that it is not legal.

What?

Gov. Riley says the machines are illegal because they are “slot machines.”

Well, I have to agree that they do resemble “slot machines.” However, they sure do not work like any “slot machines” I have seen.

If you have ever been to VictoryLand in Shorter, you understand the difference. Or if you have been to any of the Creek Indian bingo halls you understand the difference. The machines Gov. Riley is trying to get declared illegal are just electronic bingo machines. They are tied to bingo cards that are in the upper corner of each machine. You may choose to play the video-like or spinning reel games the machines have or you can touch the card in the corner and bore yourself to death watching balls drop and spots darkened on the card.

You still do not understand?

Well, let me tell you this . . . get three triple diamonds or sizzling sevens in a row and see what happens. Many people may think they have just won the jackpot – the progressive jackpot with the tons of dollars that come with it. In most cases, that is wrong. You could win anywhere from $1 to a million dollar jackpot. Why? Because it is bingo. You have to get the correct winning bingo on the card that is at the top of the machine. Simply getting a straight line of numbers covered will not give you the big jackpot. Getting four corners will not do it. Getting a small cross bingo isn’t the right one either. In most cases, it requires that you get a “K” bingo – that’s a straight bingo down the first column and diagonal numbers from the center to the top right and bottom right corners.

I’ve seen people get excited when they did not pay attention to the card they were playing and when they saw the triple diamonds or whatever the high dollar symbol is on the machine fall in place. They screamed loud enough to wake the dead and bust the eardrums of anyone close by. Then they found out they didn’t win the big money and were disappointed.

But, that’s bingo. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

Gov. Riley says there is no such thing as “electronic bingo.” He says bingo has to be played with paper sheets, a marking pen of some nature and a guy, or gal, sitting on a stage reading out numbers from balls blown or tumbled through some other device. How boring is that? Apparently, Gov. Riley has not been introduced into modern society where we play Wii. We can play football, baseball, basketball, bowling, tennis, golf and many other games with a Wii – even bingo may be played on many electronic games. Oh, you say that’s okay because it is free? Well, apparently you haven’t purchased on of those electronic game devices, like Wii, that allow you to play all of those games.

Gov. Riley cannot even get Alabama Attorney General Troy King to agree with him about electronic bingo. King believes it is legal to play “electronic versions” of bingo. He says, in his view, the games must include a bingo grid, competition against other players and a winner for every game. That sounds like the machines I’ve seen in Shorter. Some of the machines even tell you when there are not enough people to play the game – though that is rare.

The best thing the governor can do is to quit worrying about people playing bingo on electronic devices and just tax the devices and the money the people win. Our state is in bad need of money. Ask our school systems, Medicaid programs and transportation department if there is enough tax money coming in.

Georgia, Tennessee and Florida surround us to the north, south and east and all have lotteries. Mississippi borders us to the west and it has casino gambling. Guess what? Those states collect taxes from those ventures. They aren’t out paying a couple of lawyers $450,000 to act as deputy attorney generals outside of King’s office, and control, to represent the state in court against electronic bingo during a time of proration.

Gov. Riley, there are just too many other things to worry about instead of whether folks are playing bingo – either old-style or the modern way.

Cooper goes long once again

“Mustang Sally, guess you better slow your mustang down
Mustang Sally , baby, I guess you better slow your mustang down
You been a runnin' all over town, I guess I'll better put your big feet on the ground, oh yes, I will
“All you wanna do is ride around, Sally Ride Sally ride
All you wanna do is ride around, Sally Ride Sally ride
All you wanna do is ride around, Sally Ride Sally ride
All you wanna do is ride around, Sally Ride Sally ride”
~Buddy Guy
Lyrics to Mustang Sally (1965)

It just seemed appropriate to start this column with some of the words from the song he loved so much to perform. The song will never sound the same again now that Sidney Cooper will not be performing it for us.
Sidney Cooper, as most of you are well aware, died last week, ending a battle with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) – more commonly known as “Lou Gerhig’s Disease.” He will be missed by many, especially his loved ones – his wife Becky, daughters Courtney and Cassie, sons Cory and Cameron and his mother Ann.
Sidney Cooper was a character, as we like to refer to unusual people in the South who had great character. By referring to him as a “character,” I’m trying to say he had some unusual traits – the most outstanding of which was that he had a gift that allowed him to be a friend to every person he met. And by saying he had “great character,” I’m trying to say he had special traits that made him the kind of person every person could look up to. Understand? If you do not, you didn’t know Sidney Cooper.
I can still remember when I first became aware of Sidney Cooper. My first remembrances are the tall tales – most of which were probably true – of Sidney Cooper as an athlete. He was, in his teens, Smiths Station High’s greatest athlete. He was especially adept at playing football. He held the record for the longest return of an interception in the Alabama High School Athletic Association’s North-South All-Star Game until about three years ago. Big Sid returned an interception 98 yards for a touchdown in the game. The record held for nearly 40 years.
Later, during my late teens and early 20s, I had the pleasure – or misfortune if you prefer – to play on a softball team that had to play a team that had Sidney Cooper in its line-up. I can only thank the good Lord that I played first base and that Sid liked to hit the ball out in center. I’m not real sure there are stopwatches that could have clocked how fast a Sidney-hit softball could leave a ballpark. I think I have seen comets that traveled at a slower rate of speed than some of the shots Sidney hit against the team I played for at the old Airport Fields.
I also had the opportunity, during my career with The Citizen, to write a few stories about Sidney Cooper as a softball player. I wrote a story about him being named to the Alabama Amateur Softball Association’s Hall of Fame a couple of years ago. Last year, I wrote a “Beyond the Glory Days” feature about Sid. It was by far my favorite story that I wrote about Sidney Cooper. The story was well-received by others and they made that known to me. Because it was so well-received, and because many who read the story when it was published in January 2008 have asked for it to be re-published, it appears again in the sports section of today’s newspaper.
There is also a story I found to be more difficult to write in the sports section this week as well. It is a story about his passing from this life. It was very difficult for me to contact people for comments about Sidney Cooper. It was just as difficult for the people I contacted for comment to talk about Sidney Cooper without getting emotional. But, we all made it through the interviews even through our choked voices and tears.
I suspect there was at least one person for every home run Sidney Cooper hit in his lifetime playing softball standing in line last week for a final visit with him at Lakewood Baptist Church – that would be in the thousands. Every person who stopped by to say “good-bye” counted Sidney Cooper as a personal friend, not an acquaintance. I’m sure he felt the same about those people too.I hope someday in the future that we will all be able to fill a big softball stadium in heaven to watch Sidney Cooper play the sport he loved once more. Until then, just watch the night sky for falling stars. When one falls, you can rest assured Big Sid has gone long one more time. And listen close, you may be able to hear the angels singing “Mustang Sally” along with him as he rounds the bases.

Remembering Paul Lynde

I had the opportunity to watch some old television shows recently – old television game shows of my youth. The time I spent watching brought back some great memories of what my children refer to as the “ancient days” of television. I’m old. I admit that, but television is much older.
I thought I would share with you what I believed to be one of the greatest funnymen of all-time and the show that made him its star.
For 13 consecutive seasons, Paul Lynde was a regular cast member on the television game show “Hollywood Squares.” For most of those years, 1968-1979, he was the permanent player in the center square of the tic-tac-toe game that awarded prizes that would be laughed at when compared to today’s prize packages.
Lynde was a riot – the master of the one-liner, the “zinger.” He was also one of the first gay actors with a major role on television. That played a big part in his role on “Hollywood Squares.” But, I’m not writing about Lynde because he was gay. He was no Harvey Milk. Lynde was just plain funny.
He was funny enough to win two Daytime Emmy Awards for his performance on “Hollywood Squares.” He could have won many more awards for his comedy, if he had lived longer. He died in 1982 of a heart attack at age 55.
Lynde got away with some pretty racy answers in his role on “Hollywood Squares.” No one would even blink today at the answers he gave back then, but he made then funny – almost innocent, but not quite. I can remember the show’s host, Peter Marshall, losing his composure when Lynde gave his answers. Marshall, at times, laughed until he cried. I cannot believe he was able to complete filming of the show when Lynde was on a roll.
Lynde was not the only funny person to fill one of the nine squares for the games, which began as once a week events, then twice weekly and finally as a nightly program. Some of the other famously funny people to fill squares over the years included Wally Cox, Don Knotts, Jim Backus, Rose Marie, Morie Amsterdam and Cliff Arquette . . . better known for his character Charlie Weaver. They were all funny, but Lynde was the king on this show.
It was a sad day for fans of the show when Lynde decided to step down. He did come back after a year off for the final season of the original version. Without Lynde for a year, the show fell in the ratings. His return was too late to give “Hollywood Squares” the boost it needed to survive in its original form.
I thought you might like to read some of the great “zingers” Lynde used on the show. Here are a few . . .
Question: True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
Lynde: Yes. We call them winos.

Question: Do we get heat from stars?
Lynde: You will if I have to share my dressing room again.

To the question, “In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?”
Lynde: Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

Question: Can you get an elephant drunk?
Lynde: Yes, but he still won’t go up to your apartment.

Question: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Lynde: Make him bark.

Question: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Question: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Question: Why do sheep sleep huddled together?
Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue is a weirdo.

Question: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Lynde: Tape measures.

If you want to see and hear Lynde dish out his zingers, go look him up on Youtube.com. But I warn you, the ones I listed above are some of the milder ones – at least for when it comes to a family newspaper.

More people leaving the gene pool

I thought it might be time to update you on the most recent nominations for the annual Darwin Awards – those wonderfully horrible tales of mishaps that sent fellow human beings into the afterlife and out of the gene pool. They seem to get more and more bizarre as the years go by. Fortunately – thank goodness – none of the tales has originated anywhere near our area.

However, I do believe we have some people in our area that could someday make the list. Why would I ever think such a thing? Well, we are Southerners . . . and when someone shouts, “Hey, y’all, look at this,” it is usually the precursor that  something bad is about to happen.

Here are some of the most recent nominees for the awards. I hope you are not kin to any of them.

Pillar of Strength 

(South Africa)

For several days Johannesburg office workers watched a demolition worker slowly chip away at a pillar supporting the concrete slab above him. One observer said, “I wondered how they would drop that section.” The walls were gone, and only the supporting pillars remained. 

Dozens of observers watched the slow and senseless demolition proceed. Finally the only possible outcome concluded this epic battle. The besieged support collapsed, crushing man and machine beneath a pile of rubble. Ishmael Makone, 52, was killed instantly inside the cab of his mini-excavator. 

“I cannot believe they did not foresee this,” said a shocked witness who did not foresee this. Observers said they had been concerned about the workers’ safety for several days. “There was no common sense.” 

Low Flying Drunk

(Canada)

Sleeping residents of Chilliwack were awakened early one morning by the sound of a small aircraft flying lower than usual. The engine noise was like a mosquito, zooming too close, too quickly and then veering away. What the bleep was going on? 

In the wee hours of the night, during a bout of heavy drinking, two future Darwin Award nominees concluded that - with neither having a pilot’s license nor flight training - they nevertheless knew enough to pilot an aircraft and decided to take a plane from the small local airport for a drunken joyride over the city. They invited two females along for the ride. Fortunately, the level-headed ladies declined. 

From idea to execution, the plan evolved quickly. One of the gentlemen worked at the airport and had access. The two men then managed to unlock a plane, get it off the ground and into the sky. They went on to buzz around in the dark, skimming above the roofs of the houses. This went on for an extended period of time. 

Eventually they decided to land. They attempted to land on the grassy median between east and west-bound lanes of the Trans Canada Highway. They almost made it under the electrical wires that cross the median.

Almost.

Where these wires were concerned, fate intervened. Instead of making a soft landing on the grassy verge, the tail clipped the wires, sending the aircraft diving nose-first into the ground and killing both occupants. Only then were the sleepy Chilliwack residents able to return to their REM sleep.

A Cushioned Blow

(Germany)

Smoking kills . . . if you try hard enough. A 42-year-old man was badly injured by his air mattress one morning. The previous night he had inflated the punctured mattress with a tire repair spray, which like all solvent-based aerosols, is flammable. Furthermore, he did this while keeping his windows tightly closed in his loft apartment. The next morning, this airhead lit a cigarette before he opened the valve to deflate the air mattress. The resulting explosion wrecked most of the furnishings, part of the roof and blew a window from the wall. The damage was so severe that a structural engineer condemned the flat. Narrowly missing a “full-blown” Darwin Award, our hero was taken to a burn care unit and managed to survive this incident.

Yes, I understand the last story did not involve the not-so-intelligent human departing from the gene pool. It was just too funny not to share. It is one of the stories on the Darwin Awards Web site that did not earn a nomination for the annual award. It was just an honorable mention. However, I see nothing honorable about making this annual list. I hope none of you are ever one of its finalists.

We murdered two days

If you listen to “John Boy and Billy” on local radio in the morning, you can understand when I say I was ready to go a little “Mad Max” while serving on jury duty last week at the federal courthouse in Opelika. They should have convicted the jury, the attorneys for both sides and the judge for murder because we definitely killed two days.

For two days, I, along with 12 other people not smart enough to get out of jury duty, were pounded with numbers in a case that was entitled “The United States versus ---.” (Columnist’s Note: I seriously doubt the entire United States of America knew anything about this case or even cared for that matter when there are real criminal cases waiting to be tried.) It got to the point where the attorneys for the United States of America were as boring as my third-grade math teacher teaching us to memorize the times table. But, I can now tell you the formula used by the Lanett Housing Authority to determine the amount of rent charged to people who qualify for public housing. Let me say here that algebra formulas are much simpler to work.

The lawyers representing the United States of America pounded us - the jury - over and over and over and over again with the numbers. We must have listened to the same formula 20 times when the first witness for the prosecution gave testimony. Then we heard the numbers again when the next witness took the stand.

After two witnesses – and half a day wasted with testimony that could have been completed in 10 minutes or less – we took a lunch break. The lunch break was quite entertaining. I joined five other jurors at a deep-fried food establishment near the courthouse. We ordered deep-fried chicken in various forms and with various sauces. That is not what made the hour-long break entertaining. The entertainment came when the lady next to me cried out, “Oh, Lord, look at that.” I looked. I saw. I laughed.

“That” was a mouse sitting in one of the booths watching the customers – hoping for a dropped crumb or two. The lady next to me said it was a rat. To hear her describe it, it was at least six-feet tall with three-feet long fangs. It was much smaller than that – the mouse’s body was maybe five or six inches long and its tail another five or six inches. It had beautiful, healthy looking fur.

We, the jurors present, notified the people in the adjoining booth of the creature. You would have thought we had yelled “shark” or even “fire.” The two people left the booth in a hurry. They demanded their money back and left. I, and those people with me, just laughed. The mouse wasn’t really bothering anyone. Some people just have a problem with rodents. I don’t. I own a guinea pig and four gerbils. The mouse was smaller than any of the rodents I own.

Maybe I should have been more concerned about the fact that a rodent was in the restaurant and the fact that it was healthy. It must have been eating well somewhere – presumably this restaurant in particular. But, I wasn’t. The restaurant was near the courthouse, which meant I had more time to relax before going back to the jury box for the afternoon session. And, rodents do not bother me – roaches do. I saw no roaches.

The second half of the day, back in the box, was more of the same. More numbers were pounded into our brains. Okay, I got it. Someone was abusing the system. I got it after the first set of numbers. It wasn’t enough for the attorneys to show us the numbers on the electronic screens around the courtroom; they had to also write them down on a gigantic paper pad on an easel for us to see. They – the attorneys – seemed to enjoy doing this. It was like they had just figured out how to work the formula and wanted to show us how smart they were. They weren’t that smart.

If they had been smart, they would have stopped after showing us the formula worked the first time. Then, I would not have thought that the biggest rats I saw for two days were in the courtroom representing me instead of in the restaurant. And I would not have felt as if the United States of America had wasted two days of the lives of 13 of its citizens. 

If I am ever selected again for jury duty, “Find a more significant case to be tried, don’t presume I am a complete idiot when it comes to math and quit trying to ruin my life. Have a nice day.”

Some courts must have lower standards

I spent half of my Monday in Opelika – in federal court. What a waste of the government’s time that was.
I got one of those things everyone hopes to avoid in my mailbox about two weeks ago – it was a summons for jury duty. The government requested, I should say ordered, my presence at the federal courthouse. I wasn’t the only local person who had to attend. I would say there was an inordinate number of Phenix City and Russell County residents ordered to attend among the 90 potential jurors summonsed.
With 23 counties, and all the people within those counties, available for the federal court’s picking, there were at least 14 from this area – 15.5 percent of the 90 members of the jury pool available for random selection.
I did not hear one person when asked to give his or her name, spouses name, occupation and address say he or she was from Autauga, Butler, Chilton, Coffee, Covington, Crenshaw, Dale, Geneva, Houston, Lowndes, Montgomery, Pike or Randolph counties. That’s no one was from 13 of the 23 counties that make up the Middle District. Almost 57 percent of the available jury pool was not represented for Monday’s festivities. I sure hate that for them.
I guess none of the people in those 13 counties took the time to vote in the last presidential election. If I had known I would be “randomly” selected because I voted in the last presidential election , I would not have voted and would not been one of the people available to waste half a day in Opelika.
I did pay particular attention when one lady said her name was "Clark" and that she was "married to Mark Clark," but “not that Mark Clark” while pointing in my direction. The people in the room found some humor in her comments - the judge even laughed.
Along with my summons for jury duty was a questionnaire – six or seven pages of very intrusive questions – that had to be returned within five days or receipt of the summons. I answered the questions as truthfully as I could. Apparently, no one took the time to read the answers to my questionnaire. If anyone had, I am sure I would have received a letter from the court telling me to stay away, very far away.
I know if I were selecting a jury, I would not pick me.
After everyone told who they and their spouses were, the judge had the lawyers introduce themselves. And then the defendants were introduced. Then everyone heard about the three – yes, only three – cases that were to be tried. I can’t tell you anything about that because the judge, the Honorable Myron Thompson, said I could not discuss the cases.
Judge Thompson does not appear to be as old as you would think he would be. He was placed in the federal court system by former President Jimmy Carter, but I will not hold that against him – Judge Thompson that is. And my first impression of the judge was not what I expected. To tell the truth, I have never read a single newspaper article that showed him in a favorable light. I found Judge Thompson to be quite affable. Like I said, that was my first impression and that could change with time.
After a five-minute restroom break and another break that was supposed to be used to question “in private” about 15 jurors about their answers to questions regarding one of the cases, everyone re-entered the courtroom. Within two minutes, the first jury was selected. The court clerk called out the names of those selected and instructed them to take a seat in the jury box. Guess who was selected – me. How could they have made such an error in judgment?
I have been called to serve in the past, in local courts, and have always been dismissed from service. Most judges and lawyers do not want anyone connected with newspapers serving as jurors. I fully support their feelings. Apparently, federal courts do not set their standards as high.
I have always said it is important for people to serve when called to duty. I now have to back up my words with actions. I have to serve on the federal jury because I was selected, I guess, to serve. I have doubts about the process used in the selection process and the people who did the selecting. I also cannot forget the words of the comedian Norm Crosby who said, “When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”
Somehow, I feel that I resemble that remark.

Public hearing was a lonely experience

Ludlow Porch was right when he said, “We’re all in this alone.”

That’s exactly how I felt Monday evening when I attended the public hearing at the Central Activity Center concerning the possible compensation increase for the Phenix City Council – very alone. There were very few citizens in attendance – less than 30 - and several of those citizens did not live in Phenix City.

Where were you?

State Representative Lesley Vance and State Senator Ted Little gave their time to allow you to give your input on the matter. You didn’t. You weren’t there.

“You would think that with all the letters and telephone calls I received there would have been a better turnout,” observed Rep. Vance.

Yep, I agree.

All four of our city council members were there – Jimmy Wetzel, Max Wilkes, Michelle Walker and Arthur Sumbry. Mayor Sonny Coulter was not. Each of the city council members gave his or her opinion on the matter. The mayor did not, but then like I said, he was not there.

I would have to say the most vocal of the citizens in attendance were opposed to the proposed increase of the compensation for the city council and mayor. They said so several times. There was somewhat of a spirited debate over the issue.

I put in my two-cents worth – that would be about a quarter’s worth when adjusted for inflation. Some might say I gave more than that, but not really. I really didn’t. I simply spoke my piece.

Want to know what that was?

Well, I oppose an immediate increase of the compensation package to a level equal to that of the Russell County Commission as stated in the bill that will undoubtedly be introduced during the current session of the state legislature by Rep. Vance, at the city council’s and mayor’s request. I do not, however, oppose an increase to the compensation the local governing body receives. Heck, it has not changed since 2000 when the compensation was increased to $800 per month for council members and to $1,000 per month for the mayor. I support no change to the city charter without a vote of the people on the matter in question.

Increasing that amount to $1,833.33 per month for council members – based on an annual salary of $22,000 – and to $2,916.87 per month for the mayor – based on an annual salary of $35,000 – seems a little too much too quickly. I proposed an increase of 43.1 percent for each of the council members and for the mayor which is based on the increase of the Consumer Price Index since the last increase in compensation for the governing body members in 2000. And, I think that amount should be tied to the annual increase in the CPI until it reaches a predetermined cap – say, the salary received by the Russell County Commission.

Using the figures I suggested, the council members would receive $1,144.80 per month. The mayor would receive $1,431 per month. That’s higher than the salaries received by some full-time city workers. This suggested increase would take effect when the next council and mayor take office in 2012. I do not support granting a “patch” with an expense account until then, especially one that does not require the council members and mayor to account for the money they would receive from an expense account.

I am glad I received some support, though limited, for the idea. I did not expect any swell of support for my suggestion. There weren’t enough people in attendance to cause a swell.

Some said the increase in compensation was a matter of “fairness.” Only one council member admitted he wanted a raise. The others said they wanted to do what was “fair,” “right” and “in the interest” of future councils. State law requires any increase in compensation for the council and mayor must be approved by the municipal governing body at least six months prior to the date of the next election – for us, it is six months prior to September 2012. The action the current council is proposing meets that requirement with plenty of time to spare.

I think the council members attending the public hearing made their feelings clear. Each said an increase in compensation would be welcomed, but it is not the reason he or she chose to seek office. Each said he or she was aware of the compensation he or she would receive when he or she decided to seek office and that his or her desire to serve would not change whether an increase was forthcoming or not. For that, we can all be thankful.

If money is the reason to seek office, then it is best to find another source of revenue for your pockets and not masquerade as servants of the people. The people, even the ones that did not attend Monday’s hearing, do not like that very much.