It has been a while since I checked in on the Darwin Awards Web site. So, I figured this would be a good week to do so. After all, I have been a bit serious in my writing lately. I think it’s time to be on the lighthearted side . . . for a short time, anyway.
But instead of informing you of the most recent Darwin Award nominees, I have decided to tell you about a few of the near-misses for the honor. Remember, the Darwin Awards are reserved for people who voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool. I suspect some of them are not quite truthful – maybe all of them. They are quite funny though.
Here goes . . .
Loch Ness Monster
On Lake Isabella, in the high desert east of Bakersfield, Calif., a woman was having trouble with her boat.
No matter how she tried, she just couldn’t get her new 22-foot Bayliner to perform. It was sluggish in every maneuver, regardless of the power applied. She tried for an hour to make her boat go, but finally gave up and putted over to a nearby marina for help.
A topside check revealed that everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outboard motor pivoted up and down and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
One of the marina guys jumped in the water to check beneath the boat. He came up almost choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Note: I swear none of the women in my home have ever visited Lake Isabella.
Bodacious Bud
An Indiana man had the good fortune to raise a healthy marijuana plant in his back yard. But then tragedy struck. He received a phone call from the authorities saying he was busted, but they would not press charges if he brought the bush into the station. Roots and all. So he sadly hacked his eight-foot annual down and carried it into the lobby of the sheriff’s office, where startled officers took him into custody for suspected felony cultivation. Turns out the phone call was a prank.
Note: This is one that should have been mentioned on the “John Boy and Billy” radio show, but I’m sure the Russell County Sheriff’s Office has similar stories to tell. I seem to remember one about a meth lab bust where the not-so-smart criminal felt the local officers should have posted the proper recipe for the illegal drug on the office’s Web site.
Official Drug Test
A woman in Canada called the police with a complaint that she had been burnt in a drug deal. She claimed that a man had sold her a rock of crack cocaine, but, when she brought it home, it “looked like baking powder.” The police dispatched a narcotics agent to her house, who tested the rock and verified that, despite its appearance, it was indeed cocaine. The woman was promptly arrested for drug possession. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are encouraging anyone who thinks they may have been fooled into buying fake drugs to come forward.
Note: See the note after “Bodacious Bud.”
Blondes and Oil Changes
Amy Brasher, 45 years old, was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn’t realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
Note: Everything in Texas is bigger – even airheads.
Sobriety Test
In a poorly judged attempt to convince his wife he was sober enough to drive, a 29-year-old husband pulled up to a State Police barracks in his pickup truck, parked illegally and demanded a sobriety check. He failed the Breathalyzer test and was taken into custody. “Basically,” an amused Sergeant Paul Slevinski explained, “his wife won the argument.”
Note: This proves you should never argue with your wife. Just admit you are wrong and let her drive.
Well, I hope you enjoyed those stories. They are humorous, if they are not true. If they are true, all of these people are just a step away from earning a Darwin Award.
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